A day late friend is all I will ever be

I'm tired of this empty feeling.
Tired of trembling like an earthquake Every time I think of you.
About how you don't see us existing.
Like my non existent appetite.
And a good nights sleep that never comes.

Broken hearts, they turn to wine.
I promised myself I will be fine.

It is you I am worried about.
Always running back to your zone of comfort.
Before you fucking learn something.

All you know is breaking hearts.
I said it was okay and I'm learning from that.
Mistakes I've made,
I believe they were worth every moment.

But you made a fool of me.
You said you cared.
I can't believe I trusted you
even though I had a feeling deep down,
that you don't. (correct me if I'm wrong)

I always let them win.
You smile, and I feel like throwing up.
My heart races like a clock,
but it never wins.

I continue to be a day late friend

Comfort Zone and Learning Edge

Comfort Zone: We all have zones of comfort about different topics or activities. Topics or information we are very familiar with or have lots of information about are solidly inside our comfort zone. When we are inside our comfort zone we are not challenged and we are not learning anything new. When we are focused on new information or awareness, or the information and awareness we have is being challenged, we are often out of our comfort zone or on its edge. If we are too far outside our comfort zone, we tend to withdraw or resist new information.
Learning Edge: When we are on the edge of our comfort zone, we are in the best place to expand
our understanding, take in a new perspective, and stretch our awareness. We can learn to recognize when we are on a learning edge by paying attention to our internal reactions. A learning edge is characterized by feelings of annoyance, anger, anxiousness, surprise, confusion, or defensiveness. These reactions are signs that our way of seeing things is being challenged. If we retreat to our comfort zone, by dismissing whatever we encounter that does not agree with our way of seeing the world, we lose an opportunity to expand our understanding. The challenge is to recognize the learning edge and stay there with the discomfort to see what we can learn.

Repeated thoughts

You've been scarred, we know this.
In time, scars will heal.
But they won't disappear.
You will get over it, but won't forget it.
Don't expect to.
You have to get over it in order to live your life the way you should be living it.
Without severe heart pain...
The reason why these scars will always be with you is so that you have to learn from what you've gone through.
To not make those same mistakes again. Don't make them again.

Your case is bad, but don't think you are the only one who has gone through this. You aren't alone.
I haven't gone through it, so all this is in third person.
But I've seen in before. Seen others in similar situations.

You have scars on top of one another.
That is why it's so hard for you.
You get hurt again before you are even healed.
Each consecutive cut gets worse and worse.
This doesn't mean you're dead.
This doesn't mean you're lost.
This just means you need to take a step back.
And it will take more time for those scars to heal.
I can see you trying and progressing (in some ways)
And not (in others)

Do you remember the type of people who hurt you? Back off from them.
Sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't, but
Learn to say no. It is okay to say no.
I know I can only do so much to help you.
But I'd like to see you through.
This is something you have to get by on your own...you know this..

I can distract you. (whether good or bad, I'm not sure)
And I can show you a good time.
But until your scars are healed, that is really all I can offer.
That is all I WANT to offer right now.
Even if sometimes I think I may want more...
I can't. You can't.
We already know this.

Maybe I don't mean much to you. Or that I am very significant in your life yet.
But I'm not the one you should back away from. So don't
:)

Tyler's Mix Tape

I have a new blog where I am going to only put collections of writings. I just found a whole bunch of old stuff I wrote so I think I will post it up there. Follow my love stories
http://tylersmixtape.blogspot.com/

To Everyone:

I really am not one to turn the holidays into a ridiculously sappy time. I actually do not like that at all. I hate that this is a time to be thankful, but you should ALWAYS be thankful for the things you have. Its like valentines day, why have one day to be EXTRA nice and lovable? Why not love them extra everyday?

Anyway... I am going to be a hypocrite and say thank you to all my friends. Thanks for caring, thanks for making me laugh. I love you
My family doesn't read these, but I love them too.
I am thankful for the deep people. The caring people. The GOOD people in this world and the good people I have come into contact with. Past. and PRESENT.

SO happy Thanksgiving loves!

What if

There was a time when I asked for this. I was bored, lonely, restless..And for faar too long I might add. I needed something to experience in the terms of romance. I was happy to focus on work and school. (For a while at least).. I missed my friends and my family. (And still do)
What I wanted was something to occupy my free time. Something other than entertaining myself... That is what made me happy, but I realized I needed someone new to get involved with. Maybe it is fair to say I wanted to "spice things up" a bit.

I have never been afraid to get involved with someone new, I was just very satisfied with being alone. No one worth my time has come along that I was willing to make an effort for. Sure, there has been interests, but nothing more.

That is until recently. It was very friendly with a crush in both directions...nothing more. Cuddling was what we anticipated, and that was fine..We never spoke of intimacy or dating or romanticizing. I felt that it was possible, or, it was possible on my end at least. We met and it took a couple days to get over the shyness. "Why are you so cute and shy? Am I the only one you are like this with?" Who knows...

We hung out almost everyday. Once we were comfortable around each other, it was amazing. I honestly could not stop smiling for a week and half. Was this what I have been waiting for for almost two years? Maybe this is someone I that can build up my confidence again.

Fuck, shot down. That is usually how it goes.. This time I was ready though! This is what I wanted. This is what I want. Sure, we have a ways to go. You say you aren't ready for this, and that is fine. I won't pressure you. But why not give it a chance? You didn't even give me a chance. Your back story is shitty, and I am sorry you went through that. But let me be someone that can help. What you need is to be treated right. What you need is a REAL emotional connection. A GOOD one!

I wasn't afraid this time, and that is why it sucks.

Just know that I can stop whenever you want to stop. I can go whenever you want to go. I have that freedom. I have all the freedom in the world right now! I want to help. And I know you don't want help. Not from me.. But I am still here, and not going anywhere. So why not use me? I consider myself strong. I can get through anything. I have the greatest friends and the best family I could ask for. That is all I need... But not all I want...

I don't care about broken hearts. I don't care about moving on. I don't care about depression. I care about you. I care about an experience.
What if I'm different? What if you can change? What if this is what you need?
What if we never find out? That is what I am worried about..

"WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY"

Hands Down

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.